Welcome to the psychiatry helpline!
For feelings of lonliness, press 1 and 1 entirely alone.
For kleptomania, press 2, then put the phone back where it came from you thieving b*****d!
For paranoia, I wouldn't press anything if I were you. THEY have probably got the damned phone wired up to a bomb!
For schizophrenia,one of you can press 4 and the other can press 5.
For fear of demonic possession, press 666.
For obsessive compulsive disorder, press 7. Then press 7 again. Then press 7 again....
For feelings of rejection, why bother pressing anything at all? Who's going to bother about a nobody like you?
For inferiority complex press 9. But you can be sure somebody will make a better job of pressing it than you.
For alcoholism, move that pink elephant to one side, and press 0.
For all other complaints, for God's sake try the Samaritans!!
psychiatry call centre
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