Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to
show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell
me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you
came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your
favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two
minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You
don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want s*x or anything that
connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't
love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband : Nothing has made
my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been
married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've
been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining
and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair
cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just
like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't
say something nice, I didn't comment . And when you cooked my favorite
meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away
from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that
it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me
that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my
job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were
gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess!. I hope you have the
fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote
ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife,
**Rich As Hell and Free!*
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my
sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
