Brains v Brawn

[Bandana Dave]

"Years ago when i worked in the Neptune Yard, we had the job of clearing out a container ship before putting her in dock, so we had to clean out the hold, now at the time we had a few student teachers working with us who were having a summer break from university, these were very well educated people who were trying to make a few quid by working with their hands instead of their heads, the job entailed lowering skips into the hold, filling them, then getting the crane to lift them out, the usual way to get the crane for a lift was, you went to see the guy on the dockside, told him that you wanted a lift and he would tell you how long it would be as other people wanted the use of the crane for lifting other stuff, he would then tell the crane driver who was next in line, then when you turn came, you got you lift,simple, OH NO ! anyone who has worked in ship repair knows this, anyway, we had filled the skips and were ready to lift them out, so we said to one of the student teachers " Go and get the crane" now the crane runs along a railway alongside the dock and spread out along along the line and sometimes Crossing the line are, Air lines, water lines, Shotblasting lines and electical light cables, so you can imagine it is a hard job for the man on the bank, because if the crane has to move at all, all of these lines must be disconnected or re-routed so that the other trades can continue working, anyway "Go and get the crane", half an hour had passed and the student teacher had not returned si i went to look for him, as it was getting near lunch time the crane driver had stopped work and went for his lunch, all of a sudden the crane started moving, i looked into the cab and the student teacher had figured out how to operate the crane and had set it in motion along the tracks, well, there were all kinds of Airlines and others streached across the tracks, i could see what was going to happen, as the crane continued to move it was slicing all of these lines and cables, there were sparks flying, water lines cut, airlines flying and lashing all over the place, then he cut through the shotblasting hogger lines and there was shot flying everywhere, believe me when a shotblasting line bursts you don't want to be anywhere near it as the shot could slice you in two, i have never seen so many people run and dive for cover, windy lines lashing about like demented snakes, and people trying everythin to switch off water, air and elecrtical lines, finaly he stoped the crane and came out of the cab, his face was a picture, about a hundred various contractors trying to get to him to rip his head off, one of the forman took him away before they could get to him and he was never seen again, the other two student teachers resigned straight away as they were "Bricking it",

The point is, he might have had it "UP There" but when it comes to doing "Real Work" Brawn wins every time, Stick to the job you know. i say sorry, but i just love a good waffle on

[gag]

Brilliant Dave mate !!!!!

cheers.

gag.

[anna]

=D> ..good story ..
My X was a shotblaster,so i no a bit about Bostas, leathal if you get hit with that stuff..........even tho he wore all the gear .mask and hood,he would blow his nose days later ,,and shot still be there ,,god knows what his lungs are like ..
knacked a couple of my washing machines up aswell,that shot did..

[Bandana Dave]

Ya Right there Anna, lethal Stuff, When i worked at Drax one of the dopey managers walked into a tank and tapped the Blaster on the shoulder when he was blasting,to see how long he was going to be, now a blaster is in a world of his own when he's blasting, and the last thing you expect is some Sponge of a manager tapping ya on the shoulder, well, he jumped out of his skin and turned round and nearly sliced him in two, Job stopped while "Big Kev" took his gear off and battered the thick T*at black and blue, he didn't do that again

Brains v Brawn !!

Another time i was working in Smiths at south bank, when we had another student with us, so we thought we'd play safe and leave him in the shed to keep the fire going, Can't do nowt wrong there, Wrong !! we had a cockney guy working with us and he had bought a couple of pies for his bate, so as we were leaving the cabin he said to this student, "Heat them up" meaning warm them up on the fire for my break, so when we came back in the cockney guy says to the student " where's my pies" and the student said "I've eaten them, thats what you said" The cockney went balistic, and said (do this in a Cockney Accent) "I said heat them up, not f*cking Eat them up, you plonka" well we all just buckled up,

The same student, was in the cabin when one of the lads went in and threw his wet boots at him and said "Put them on the fire" (ya know whats coming next) meaning Dry the boots, so what does he do, Puts them on the fire

Ya could't make it up, he didn't last long either

i could tell ya hundreds of stories like that and every one True

[gag]

Great stories there Dave. Before my present posting, I was deployed as a security supervisor at the Amec Howdon yard. I had this young lad sent to me for training and he turned out to be not the sharpest tool in the box. He came into the office one day and asked me if it would be alright to bring his camera on site the next day as HMS Newcastle was coming for a courtesy visit to the Tyne. I gave him permission to bring his camera and told him to go down to the quayside just before the ship was due to pass the yard. The following day, I deployed him to a permit cabin on the dock and off he went to the cabin. HMS Newcastle duly passed the yard and he took some photos and then returned to the permit cabin. He left his camera on the desk in the permit cabin while he went on a training visit to the rig that was under construction at the time. At clocking-off time I asked him how he got on regarding his photos and he said that he would bring them in after his mam collected them from the chemist, (he was still living with his mother). The following week he arrived at the security office and asked me how to go about making a complaint ? I asked him what the problem was and he took out of his pocket a wallet of photographs and laid them out on the desk in front of me. There were five or six shots of HMS Newcastle and the rest of the film was taken up by shots of Welders arses !!!!!!!! What made it funnier was that he said that his mam was very upset as she had collected the photos from the Chemist and now knew why the Chemist gave her funny looks as he served her !

cheers.

gag

[anna]

bless
He should have been gratefull he got his camra back,leave a camera anywhere today,and it be gone ....

[Bandana Dave]

Hiya Gag, Brilliant story mate , keep them coming, nothing funier than real life eh, How about this one !

"Another time when i worked at Smiths at South bank, at the time there used to be Female Welders working alongside the guys, now in our squad you can imagine we were all up for a good laugh, so one of the guys brought a "Blow up Doll" to work and blew it up in the cabin, he sat it on his knee and started "Playing" with it ,just then one of the female welders walked past the cabin and just happened to glance in through the door, and seen what she thought was a "Real" woman sitting on this guys knee, well she shot off to the office to complain to the manager while we just all cracked up (Again) they never did find out who had the woman in the cabin

Another Student working with us one time was asked if he wanted to go on the blind card that was going around, little knowing that it was rigged so he would win it, we told him it was a mystery prize, any way he paid his money and at afternoon break we told him he had won, he was realy exited and asked what his prize was, he was told he had won a "Kitten" and he was dead pleased, now i must explain here about Shipyard Cats, or Ferrell cats, now the only thing they have in common with a domestic cat is they look alike, i would put a Ferrell Shipyard Cat up against a F**king Tiger and the Shipyard Cat would see it off, no problemo, they are viscious evil creatures, and would take Giant Rats on, two at a time, anyway we had got hold of a "Kitten" and this student won it, on the wagon home all he could talk about was this "Lovely little kitten" that he had in the Box, of course we were all playing along with it, he was saying how much his little sister had always wanted a Kitten, and how pleased she would be,

Next day we picked him up in the wagon, he was standing there with the same box, when we asked him what was going on he said "My mother says i have to take the "Kitten" back" as it had slashed his sisters face to shreds and they have all been up all night trying to catch it, it had demolished the house nearly, it had shredded his mothers setee and curtains, scratched half the family and scared his sister for life, we were just buckled up on the way to work, not much work got done that day, what with the whole yard laughing about "The Student and the Kitten"

[gag]

Brilliant Dave !

cheers.

gag.

[gag]

When I finished my initial pit training, I went down Westoe pit and was placed with a right old character whose job it was to look after me for twenty days close personal supervision. On my first day underground, this old guy took me to meet Sid. Now to put it mildly, Sid was from one of the old pits around Chester-Le-Street that had closed down years before and to say that he "wasnt all there" would be fair comment. Sid used to look after a conveyor belt transfer point which is where one conveyor belt loads on to another belt. All he had to do all day was to make sure that the area was clean of spillages and to make sure that no big stones or large lumps of coal blocked the shute from one belt to another. Now, on being introduced to Sid, we shook hands and he told me to sit down in the hole of the side of the roadway that he had dug out to keep warm. Sid then proceeded to belt out a song and I will never forget it as long as I live. The song was called "My Mothers Birthday" and he sung that song right through. You have to imagine two grown men sitting in a hole while this old guy belted out this song and if you dared laugh, he stopped singing and went off in a huff ! I can tell you that it was a hard job keeping a straight face as this guys singing had to be heard to be believed, it would be fair to say that he had the worst singing voice that I have ever heard bar none ! He also claimed to be an ex-Cumberland wrestling champion and he used to demonstrate his technique by putting an arm around your neck and squeezing until you shouted submission, I would say that he had the strength of a wet Shields Gazette but you had to make on that he was hurting you or another huff would ensue. One of the funniest things I ever saw him do was his version of "speed skipping" where he used an old piece of rope to skip and you had to try and count how many skips he had managed. He was skipping away one day and what he didnt know was that the plastic harness inside his safety helmet had broken away from the helmet and as he jumped up and down with the skipping rope, the helmet was bouncing up and down with the harness stuck firmly on his head ! Every Christmas time he would bring a Christmas Cake, a bottle of sherry, and a bottle of ginger wine down the pit. If you were over eighteen years of age, you got a glass of sherry and a piece of cake, if you were under eighteen, you got a glass of ginger wine. Our undermanager at the time didnt approve of him bringing alcohol down the pit but as it was Christmas time, he turned a blind eye. He was eventually reported by a new undermanager for taking booze down the pit but got off lightly. After that episode the sherry and cake stopped and he never brought them down the pit again. His other party piece was to saw halfway through a piece of wood and the perform a karate chop on the wood which duly snapped in spectacular fashion. This went on until somebody swapped the "doctored wood" for a solid piece and he nearly broke his wrist !!!! Sid is probably long gone by now but I will always remember him with fondness.

cheers.

gag.

[Bandana Dave]

Hi Gag ! what a great time we had when we were starting out man, brilliant stories like that to tell, you had to go through it at the time, when ya started work as a kid ya expected the older blokes having a go, it was part of the tradition, then when someone else started they left you alone ,until eventualy your the one doing winding people up, you have to read a book called "Toff down the Pit" it's brilliant, about some upper class lords son who wants to work down the pit, and ends up at Westoe colliery, and how he had to put up with all the jokes and p*ss taking, until he eventualy proved himself, ill find out his name and post it up.
keep the stories coming !!

My Two Younger Brothers worked down Westoe Pit for years, Martin and Steven Quantrill, ya might know them

[gag]

Hiya Dave.
Knew your Brothers by sight but never worked with them mate. I have read the book you refer to, "Toff Down the Pit" and I vaguely remember him. Its a good read though as I knew most of the characters mentioned in it. I think the guys first name was "Kit" but I cannot remember his surname. I will post some more stories as soon as I get a chance. Cheers Dave.

best wishes .

gag.

[Bandana Dave]

Hiya Gag, keep them stories coming mate it's great crack man, yea it was "Kit" something or other, what a life we had (and still having i might add) looking forward to picking up a few more stories along the way, take care mate,

Davey Q

[sless]

Great stories there Dave. Before my present posting, I was deployed as a security supervisor at the Amec Howdon yard. I had this young lad sent to me for training and he turned out to be not the sharpest tool in the box. He came into the office one day and asked me if it would be alright to bring his camera on site the next day as HMS Newcastle was coming for a courtesy visit to the Tyne. I gave him permission to bring his camera and told him to go down to the quayside just before the ship was due to pass the yard. The following day, I deployed him to a permit cabin on the dock and off he went to the cabin. HMS Newcastle duly passed the yard and he took some photos and then returned to the permit cabin. He left his camera on the desk in the permit cabin while he went on a training visit to the rig that was under construction at the time. At clocking-off time I asked him how he got on regarding his photos and he said that he would bring them in after his mam collected them from the chemist, (he was still living with his mother). The following week he arrived at the security office and asked me how to go about making a complaint ? I asked him what the problem was and he took out of his pocket a wallet of photographs and laid them out on the desk in front of me. There were five or six shots of HMS Newcastle and the rest of the film was taken up by shots of Welders arses !!!!!!!! What made it funnier was that he said that his mam was very upset as she had collected the photos from the Chemist and now knew why the Chemist gave her funny looks as he served her !

cheers.

gag

what a great read
having to wipe the tears out of my eyes
so so funny

it wasnt kit wilkinson was it
a big ginger lad

[Delilahcat]

This is a tale told to me by my late husband who worked in the shipyards. One of the crane drivers couldn't be bothered to come down from his perch to go to the toilet. He just used to wee over the side. Worse still when he wanted a s**t he did it on a square of brown paper, wrapped it up in a parcel and chucked it out of the crane. Often some unsuspecting person would open up the parcel and get a nasty shock.
There was a fella he worked with called Sammy who shall we say liked a drink. Returning home from the Unionist Club after a good skinful he was staggering down Palmerston Street back lane when he farted. Unfortunately he followed through and s**t himself. He dragged off his trousers and underpants and threw them over somebody's back yard wall. Too late he remembered his keys and money were in the pocket. He had to climb bare a***d over the wall in the pitch dark. He eventually found the trousers in the rain barrel.

[jimmywizz]

this post could be going down in history as one of the best ever on these boards, keep it up lads & lasses

[Bandana Dave]

It's all good crack That was a belter story hows about this: when we were blasting at Drax power station, all the blasters were on stupid money at the time so we would work, work, work, and no one would come down off the job to use the toilet, as this entailed getting your pot man to switch you off, removing your hood and then coming down the alimac (Lift) and losing time and money, SO, the usual routine was, Have a dump in your hard hat then sling it into oblivion when the job is finished, or better still, have a dump in a "Gaffers hat" and hope he puts it on, anyway, one day we were blasting this tank and my mate was on the pots for "Big Kev" the blaster, now this can be quite a boring job as when you have filled the pot with shot, you don't have much to do untill it needs filling again, so my mate on the pot was bored, so he had a dump and threw it into the pot, now, this was then sent flying up the hogger to the blaster up above, and of course ended up splatered all over the job in the tank, now "Big Kev" was not amused as he would have to blast the whole section again, we were howling down below and couldn't move for laughing, wondering what was going to happen next, well kev told my mate to turn him off, about 20 mins later i was standing near the lift when i saw all these guys jumping out as soon as it had stopped and the gate opened, well, they were shouting and spewing all over the place, "Big Kev" had had a Major Dump in his hard hat and brought it down in the lift with him, swilling it around as he did so, now bare in mind that these guys were "20 pints and a curry" contractors, and when their bowels went it was not a pretty sight i can tell ya, so picture this, My mate was still chuckling away to himself while reading the paper, when along comes "Big Kev" with his recycled beer and curry from the night before, and my mate was wearing a hood witch is like a balaclava, so kev comes up behind him, pulls his hood back and emptied the whole hard hat full into it and stuck it back on his head, now my mate invented a new form of dancing that day which i have never seen since, there were people throwing up and gagging everywhere you looked, but the sight of my mate jumping around like a Scalded cat trying to get this hood off while spewing up himself and screaming blue murder, is a sight i will never forget, we laughed about it for months after and it slipped into Drax legend as one of the most hillarious things we ever saw,

When i think about things like that i realise what i miss not having a "Propper Job" as every day was just like being in a comedy film, a real scream,

More to come,

[jimmywizz]

[sless]

that was a cracking story that
i would be barred off the site if i posted my antics
hahahaha

[Jarrow Pete]

Was doing a job for the navy at Rosyth dockyard and every day at 5pm there was a mass exodus through the gates, like in the Tyne shipyards. I used to sit back till the rush passed as I was only driving to my hotel, one day when the rush had died down I went to drive through gate and there was a large blacksmiths anvil blocking the road with two MOD policemen trying to move it off the road.It seems the previous day they had pulled in one of the blacksmiths at random for a search, delaying him and he had told them to their faces that they were thick and if he wanted he could get anything past them. So next day him and his mate rigged up a harness and hung the anvil between them and shuffled up to the gate in the crowd, while waiting for the gate to open, they unhitched the anvil and left it smack in the middle of the road.

[Bandana Dave]

Come on Sless, Give wa some

and again, "When i worked at Readheads Robert Swan, the explorer was doing this "In the footsteps of Scot" expediton were they were going to follow Scots epic Jurney to the pole, so they had aquired this ex Trawler to convert, it was only the size of a double decker bus, and he had got his crew together, they were all ok lads, "Educated" lads at that, any way, when it was in the dock to be painted they decided that they wanted to paint it themselves, as it was only a small boat it was in the top of the dock while we were spraying another one thet was also in the same dock, so we set up the spray lines for them, now anyone who has ever worked as a paint sprayer knows, you cover yourself from head to toe and put a hood on and then cover your skin with Barrier cream, (Vasaline is better) as this makes it very easy to get any paint off your skin when your finished, so, the time came for the crew to spray their boat, now we told them "cover yourself with vasaline and tie a load of rags round ya head and wear a boiler suit with the wrists and ankles taped up" easy NAAA !! we showed them how to use the gear and off we went for our dinner, when we came back i nearly choked with laughter, the two "Most Educated ones" who were doing the spraying had decided that, since it was a hot summers day, to spray the boat wearin just "Cut Down Shorts and Flip Flops" no vasaline, no rags round the head, no boiler suits, nothing !! now the colour they were painting the boat was "POST BOX RED" above the waterline and Anti-Fouling below, now Any wind swept overspray from the sprayer used to stick to the cars parked outside the yard (Yard workers don't park their cars outside a ship repair yard for this reason) and believe me it was that strong it would take the paint off anything, with the chemicals that were in it, anyway, these two were siting on the dock side screaming, they were both covered from head to toe with red paint, and it was going rock hard on their skin, the whole yard came to a stanstill laughing at these two red indians they were rubbing Thinners on there skin trying to get this paint off, just then Robert Swan came riding into the yard, posing on his 1000cc motor bike, took one look at them then drove straight back out again, well, that set us off even worse, they had to be taken to hospital to be cleaned up, when we asked them why they didn't take our advice, they said "We thought you were taking the P**s, we didn't see them two again, just as well for them realy as when the boat got near the pole it was crushed by the ice flow and the crew had to be rescued at a cost of a Millon quid just another day on the job for us, Brains 0 Brawn 1, AGAIN ya couldn't make it up.