For feelings of lonliness, press 1 and 1 entirely alone.
For kleptomania, press 2, then put the phone back where it came from you thieving b*****d!
For paranoia, I wouldn't press anything if I were you. THEY have probably got the damned phone wired up to a bomb!
For schizophrenia,one of you can press 4 and the other can press 5.
For fear of demonic possession, press 666.
For obsessive compulsive disorder, press 7. Then press 7 again. Then press 7 again....
For feelings of rejection, why bother pressing anything at all? Who's going to bother about a nobody like you?
For inferiority complex press 9. But you can be sure somebody will make a better job of pressing it than you.
For alcoholism, move that pink elephant to one side, and press 0.
For all other complaints, for God's sake try the Samaritans!!