new jokes

jimmywizz · Post by **jimmywizz** » Sat Oct 22, 2005 2:05 pm

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>>>>Subject: Box
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>>>>Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a
>>>>cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the
>>>>streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by
>>>>the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then
>>>>suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
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>>>>BUMP........
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>>>>BUMP........
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>>>>BUMP........
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>>>>Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving
>>>>rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
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>>>>BUMP........
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>>>>BUMP........
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>>>>BUMP........
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>>>>He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box
>>>>approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more
>>>>clearly....It was a coffin.
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>>>>Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
>>>>walking briskly home.
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>>>>BUMP........
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>>>>BUMP........
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>>>>BUMP........
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>>>>He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking
>>>>faster.........
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>>>>BUMP........BUMP......
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>>>>BUMP........BUMP.....
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>>>>BUMP........BUMP......
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>>>>The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he
>>>>heard the coffin speed up after him......
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>>>>BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
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>>>>BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
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>>>>BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
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>>>>He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .
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>>>>BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
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>>>>BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
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>>>>BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
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>>>>Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only
>>>>seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
>>>>His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside
>>>>slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
>>>>lumped into his comfy chair.
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>>>>Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through
>>>>the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
>>>>allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its
>>>>chase.....
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>>>>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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>>>>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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>>>>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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>>>>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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>>>>In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
>>>>take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
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>>>>BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
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>>>>BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
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>>>>BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
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>>>>The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
>>>>launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
>>>>bathroom door flew off its hinges....
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>>>>The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
>>>>terrified lad.
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>>>>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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>>>>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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>>>>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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>>>>In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
>>>>cabinet......
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>>>>He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the
>>>>coffin.......still it came .
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>>>>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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>>>>He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....
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>>>>Still it came......
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>>>>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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>>>>He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came......
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>>>>BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
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>>>>He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........
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>>>>The coffin stopped.

jimmywizz · Post by **jimmywizz** » Sat Oct 22, 2005 2:06 pm

Three ducks walked into a bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the
first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said
Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to
the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and
out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck
want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So,
you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is
Puddles."

baldy.smith · Post by **baldy.smith** » Sat Oct 22, 2005 4:08 pm

GROAN!!

madmarvin · Post by **madmarvin** » Sat Oct 22, 2005 4:58 pm

i love the coffin joke............

memor · Post by **memor** » Sun Oct 30, 2005 2:14 am

I with Baldy GROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAANNNNNN

Post by **Scrappy** » Sun Oct 30, 2005 5:54 am

sherri · Post by **sherri** » Sun Oct 30, 2005 10:18 pm

I think I better have a coffee to spark the brain cells.
I read the first joke about a week ago, but today i had to scroll all the way to the bottom again as I couldn't remember the punch line.

Does anyone else have trouble remembering jokes? I hear them but then when i go out and people are telling jokes, I can never remember any.

Axeman · Post by **Axeman** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 3:52 pm

sherri wrote:I think I better have a coffee to spark the brain cells.
I read the first joke about a week ago, but today i had to scroll all the way to the bottom again as I couldn't remember the punch line.

Does anyone else have trouble remembering jokes? I hear them but then when i go out and people are telling jokes, I can never remember any.

Yeah, I've heard loads and loads, some great ones as well, even now I'm scrabbling to remember one.

I was never very good at delivering jokes either, some people have the knack.

I thought this one was great ( years ago ) but could I get anyone to laugh at it?????

A spaceship lands in a pub car park

Horrible little alien thing with arms and legs all over the place gets out and goes into the bar.

Everyone jumps back in horror and the barman shouts for it to get out
as it's frightening his customers off.

The alien explains that it has been sent by the Intergalatic Beer Foundation and he has to check Earths beer out.

The barman says he doesn't care, he needs the customers because trade has been bad lately, so can it please leave.

The alien says that if he can sit in the corner out the way and drink 6 pints of the best beer, he'll pay for the whole pubs drinks all night.

Everyone looks at each other, then the barman, all nodding their heads.

WHAY HEY!

Everyones downing beer and shorts and having a great time.

The alien sits in the corner, slowly pouring each pint into the top of his head ( that's where his mouth is )

At the end of the night the barman goes over to the alien and says

" Everyones had a great time, thank you and you've managed to check out Earths beer, there's the bill......£9,336.98p"

The alien reaches into the pocket of his little spacesuit and says...
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." Thanks, have you got change of a Zonk?"

baldy.smith · Post by **baldy.smith** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 4:04 pm

And did he?

memor · Post by **memor** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 7:53 pm

Something wrong with my computer Axeman.

Didn't get the end of the Joke after "Zonk"

What was the punch line ???

sherri · Post by **sherri** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 9:16 pm

LOL
I liked it anyway, axeman.

Axeman · Post by **Axeman** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 9:38 pm

memor wrote:Something wrong with my computer Axeman.

Didn't get the end of the Joke after "Zonk"

What was the punch line ???

See I can't even deliver a joke in WRITING.

Samara · Post by **Samara** » Mon Oct 31, 2005 11:47 pm

Bar Jokes yeah? Here's a couple of favs.

1. A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his belt buckle. The barman asks, "What's with the steering wheel?" The man replies,"Yeah, its driving me nuts!"

2. A piece of string walks into a bar and tries to order a beer. The barman says, "We don't serve your kind in here!"
The piece of string was upset and left the bar. As he passed an alley, a ragged piece of string caught his attention and gave him some advice. "Here", he said, " You want to get a beer? You just mess up your ends, and wrap your neck around and through, like this."
The piece of string was a bit hesitant, but decided to try and get a beer. When he approached the bar, the barman said "Are you a piece of string?!"
"No, I'm afraid not!" He said .

Boom Boom! A freyed Knot!!! Hahahahahahaha!

Axeman · Post by **Axeman** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 10:50 am

Ok OK I'll try again.

Two guys out for the night decide to try the new nightclub.

Bouncer on the door won't let his mate in coz he's not wearing a tie.

Bloke says " cmon mate, my friend got in, don't split us up"

" sorry, no tie, no entry"

So the guy goes to his car,which he parked up for the night not far away.

He's scrabbling about in his boot, when he comes across a set of jump leads.

He puts them around his neck, twists them a few times a shoves the clamps under his jacket.

He gets to the club and tries again.

" Sorry mate, no tie, no entry"

" cmon mate, it looks like a red and black tie, no-one will notice"

Bouncer thinks for sec and says..

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."OK, This time..........BUT DON'T START ANYTHING"
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baldy.smith · Post by **baldy.smith** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 3:17 pm

Bright spark eh!!

baldy.smith · Post by **baldy.smith** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 8:21 pm

Sure bluedave, just like your jokes which start "There was this duck" and "There was this penguin" eh!!

baldy.smith · Post by **baldy.smith** » Tue Nov 01, 2005 8:57 pm

Maybe it was an Arctic Panda