REMEMBER ME

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Mon Apr 25, 2016 7:51 am

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Thu Apr 28, 2016 8:03 am

A man checks into a hotel while staying away on business and is feeling a bit h*rny.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He pops into a phone booth near the hotel and finds an ad for a girl calling herself Dominique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... Well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returns to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.

God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is s*x. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Sun May 01, 2016 8:42 am

(BEST OF THE BRITISH :lol: :lol: :lol: =D> )

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Thu May 05, 2016 10:36 pm

HATE YOUR JOB?? READ THIS! :shock: :lol:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase Rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the Thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.


Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '



Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson.'

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Sun May 08, 2016 7:19 am

CHILDREN WRITING ABOUT THE OCEAN :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol:


The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )

2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
Have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8


6) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
The ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would
Whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been
Better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

7) - Mermaids live in the ocean I like mermaids. They are beautiful
And I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get
Pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

8) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
Give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I
Think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

9) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
My willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

10) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
Going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
Right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

11) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

12) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Wed May 11, 2016 9:56 am

IT was a glorious,moonlit night,and Fred was walking his new girlfriend home.
Suddenly,she slipped and broke the heel of her shoe.
"Gees,I cant walk like this!"she said.
"Don't worry,"said Fred,"Take off your other shoe and I piggy-back you the rest of the way."
They only piggy-backed for two blocks when an Alsatian dog came out,and threw a bucket
Of water over them.

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Sun May 15, 2016 7:19 am

An elderly man Bert, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So
> > seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking
> > proudly.
> > He walks into the house and says to his wife: 'Notice anything different
> > about me?'
> >
> > Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'
> >
> > Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
> > into
> > the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a
Little
> > louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
> >
> > Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different?
> > It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be
> > hanging
> > down again tomorrow.'
> >
> > Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
> > 'Nope,' she replies.
> >
> > 'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'
> >
> > Margaret replies, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Tue May 17, 2016 7:41 am

A farmer bought a zebra and put her out in the paddock with all the the other animals.
The first farm animal to come near her was a big red bull.
"You're a funny looking animal,"said the zebra,"What do you do for a living?"
The bull snorted and said,"Get those bl**dy silly pajamas off,and I show you!"
*************************************************************************************************

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Fri May 20, 2016 7:50 am

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen w*ores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Mon May 23, 2016 8:06 am

___
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she asked, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Wed May 25, 2016 8:48 am

A LITTLE OLD MAN SHUFFLED SLOWLY INTO AN ICE CREAM PARLOR AND
PULLED HIMSELF SLOWLY,PAINFULLY,UP ONTO A STOOL..AFTER CATCHING
HIS BREATH,HE ORDERED A BANANA SPLIT.
THE WAITRESS ASKED HIM "CRUSHED NUTS?"
"NO" HE REPLIED,"ARTHRITIS.]

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Sun May 29, 2016 9:02 am

Mick is appearing on the 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' programme.

Eddie: "Mick, you've done very well so far, you're on $500,000 and
you've got one lifeline left - phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever million if you get it right, but if you're wrong you will be out of the game and drop to $32,000. Are you ready?"
Mick: "Sure I'll have a go".
Eddie: "Which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest?

Is it: A- Robin / B- Sparrow /C- Cuckoo/ D- Thrush? Remember Mick,
it's worth a Million Dollars."
Mick: "Er....I don't know dat one at all at all....no I haven't got a
clue.
I'll phone a friend."
Eddie: "OK Mick, who do you want to phone?"
Mick: "I'll phone Paddy" (Ringing)
Paddy: "Hello, hello, dere....?"
Eddie: "Hello Paddy, it's Eddie Maguire here from "Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire". I have Mick here and he's doing very, very well. He's
on $500,000 but needs your help to get the Million. The next voice you
hear will be Mick's and he'll explain the question. There are 4 possible answers but just one correct answer. You have 30 seconds to answer..... fire away Mick."
Mick: "Hello dere, Paddy. Which of the following birds does NOT build
its own nest?

Is it: A - Robin / B - Sparrow / C - Cuckoo / D -T'rush?"
Paddy: "Jaysus, Mick, dat's easy....it's a Cuckoo".
Mick: "Are you absolutely sure Paddy?"
Paddy: "Sure I'm bloody sure"
Mick: "T'anks, Paddy." (Hangs up)
Eddie: Well do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the first
ever Million, Mick?"
Mick: " I want to play, I'll go with C, the Cuckoo."
Eddie: "Is that your final answer?"
Mick: "It is, it is."
Eddie: "Confident?"
Mick: "Oh, ay, Paddy`s a real genius, he knows everyt'ing."
Eddie: "Mick.....you had $500,000 and you said Cuckoo. You have just
won a Million Dollars!!! Here's your cheque - you have been a great
contestant and a real gambler. Audience, please put your hands together
for Mick."


(Applause)



That night Mick calls Paddy and invites him down to the local Pub to
fill him full of drink. As they're sitting at the bar, Mick turns to Paddy and asks: "Tell me Paddy - how in God's name did ye know dat it was de Cuckoo dat doesn't build it's own nest? Sure, ye know fock-all about birds."
"Jaysus, ye're a right fockin' eejit, Mick, dat was easy - sure
everyone knows a fockin' Cuckoo lives in a clock!"

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Tue May 31, 2016 8:04 am

The following questions were set in last year’s examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed …and vote. (scary) :shock: :shock: :shock:

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. s*x can only happen when a male gets an election. (Some truth here-the electors usually get screwed)

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby Asian answer!

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Thu Jun 02, 2016 9:15 am

A bloke falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a
Horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted
After being diagnosed with second degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and seeing the severe pain
He is in, the doctor prescribes an IV with saline, electrolytes,
A sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded asks, "What good will Viagra do
Him, Doctor?"





"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Mon Jun 06, 2016 9:17 am

Julie Andrews Turning 79 - this is hysterical!

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:


Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Wed Jun 08, 2016 8:57 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: =D>

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Sat Jun 11, 2016 7:22 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Tue Jun 14, 2016 10:08 am

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Essex. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

'I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ........ And all in the name of humour!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

'You stay out of this mate! I'm talking to that
Little sh!t on your lap!'

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Sat Jun 18, 2016 9:47 am

EUROPEAN UNION DIRECTIVE - NO. 456179/16

IN ORDER TO BRING ABOUT FURTHER INTEGRATION WITH THE SINGLE EUROPEAN CURRENCY, THE EURO;
ALL CITIZENS OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND MUST BE MADE AWARE
THAT THE PHRASE "SPENDING A PENNY" IS NOT TO BE USED AFTER 30th May 2016.

FROM 1st June 2016, THE CORRECT TERM WILL BE "EURONATING".

IT IS HOPED THAT THIS WILL BE A GREAT RELIEF TO EVERYONE

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Wed Jun 22, 2016 8:30 am

Jennifer, a manager at Rio Tinto Alcan, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.

Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of'?

'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir? 'she asked the second man'.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.''

Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed'.
'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.
'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man.
'It 's hard to beat the speed of light, 'she said'.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.

''WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t myself.'

Wally is now working for Rio Tinto Alcan..


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

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