REMEMBER ME

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Tweedlady
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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Wed Feb 17, 2016 7:38 am

:lol:

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Sun Feb 21, 2016 6:57 am

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for... Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Wed Feb 24, 2016 7:44 am

OLDIE,BUT VERY FUNNY!)

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Fri Feb 26, 2016 8:10 am

DRUNK Old farts,

Pointing to two old drunks across the bar, and one told his mate, " That's us in ten years."

His mate said, " That's a mirror, d*ckhead "

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Sat Feb 27, 2016 8:49 am

A MAN ONCE COUNSELED HIS SON,THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE

THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A LITTLE GUNPOWDER ON HIS CORNFLAKES EVERY MORNING.

HE DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY ALL HIS LIFE.HE LIVED TO BE THE AGE OF 98.

WHEN HE DIED,HE LEFT 14 CHILDREN,28 GRAND-CHILDREN,35 GREAT-GRAND CHILDREN

AND A 15 FOOT HOLE IN THE WALL OF THE CREMATORIUM! (BOOM-BOOM) :shock:

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Thu Mar 03, 2016 9:18 am

On their wedding night, the young bride
approached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first lovemaking
encounter.

Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day she was
surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that at the age of 59 he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million and she informed him that they
were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for s*x,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business.'
That's when she shot him. :lol:

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Fri Mar 04, 2016 8:40 am

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'. :shock:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Tue Mar 08, 2016 8:35 am

:lol: =D>

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Fri Mar 11, 2016 9:12 am

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter's morning;

"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back;

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later;

"Computer really stuffed now."

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Tue Mar 15, 2016 8:06 am

Man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane?

The second man explains that he is a d*ug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to s**t all over the place.

The first man is really amazed out by this Behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies,

'He just found a bomb !'

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Fri Mar 18, 2016 8:03 am

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word
Is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
Eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you
Are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of s*x that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash
My back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my
Feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'





See below












The wife replied, 'The f******' funeral director would be my first guess.'

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Tue Mar 22, 2016 8:47 am

A man walks into a d*ug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe s*x."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack..
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Fri Mar 25, 2016 7:19 am

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, "Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
___
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
___
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
___
A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied, "?They couldn't get a babysitter."
___
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her six-year-old students.
After explaining the commandment to "Honour thy father and thy mother", she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
___
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she asked, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Sun Mar 27, 2016 7:03 am

Your Honour

What do you call a lawyer who's gone bad?
Senator.

Why did the post office recall the new "lawyer"stamps?
Because people couldn't tell which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the lawyer who was so big when he died
that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Why wont sharkes attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

A little boy asks his other""Mum,do prostitutes have babies?
"Of course,sweety,where do you think all the lawyers come from? :wink:

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Wed Mar 30, 2016 8:27 am

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
> can you believe that 2:30am ?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl
> I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't
> get an erection...
> but she did.
>
> Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
> All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
>
> Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
You idiot said Mick,
> > "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

>
> I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
> They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating
> agency.

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Fri Apr 01, 2016 7:34 am

: DOCTORS...





One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
Husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
Family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
Hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
Wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the
Patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
Surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
Staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was
A tattoo that read . .. .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
Patient's' dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Mon Apr 04, 2016 7:17 am

Paddy shouting frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
> contractions are only two minutes apart!"
> "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
> "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
***********************************************************************************
> Paddy was driving home, drunk as lord, suddenly he has to swerve to
> avoid a tree, then another, then another.
> A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
> Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
> Cop says "for god sake Paddy, it's your air freshener swinging about!"

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Thu Apr 07, 2016 8:17 am


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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Sat Apr 16, 2016 9:16 pm

An old Australian priest lay dying. He sent a message for an
Australian Tax Office Supervisor and his Lawyer to come to the hospital.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.
As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them
To sit on each side of the bed.
The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared
At the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the Australian Tax Office
Supervisor and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would
Ask them to be with him during his final moments, however they were also
Puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he
Particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"
The old priest mustered all his strength, and then whispered weakly.
"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go."

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Tue Apr 19, 2016 7:56 am

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
> can you believe that 2:30am ?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl
> I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't
> get an erection...
> but she did.
>
> Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
> All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
>
> Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
You idiot said Mick,
> > "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

>
> I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
> They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating
> agency.
>

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