REMEMBER ME

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Tweedlady
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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Thu Jan 05, 2017 12:35 am

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier :)

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Fri Jan 13, 2017 8:29 am

FREE!!!!

IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD A DOCTOR,GO TO AN AIRPORT-YOU GET A FREE X-RAY
AND IF YOU MENTION AL QAEDA............YOU GET A FREE COLONOSCOPY!!

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Sat Jan 21, 2017 6:21 am


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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Sun Jan 29, 2017 8:32 am

Bono is at a U2 concert in Dublin when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone "every time I clap my hands a child dies in Africa".
A voice from the front row pieces the silence "fooking stop doing it then".

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Sun Feb 05, 2017 8:36 am

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests,the last of

which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom,he decided the latest episode was

another and stayed put.Suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability

to remain rational!
In complete loss of composure he gathered the soiled sheet and threw it out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital,when the sheet landed on him.He started yelling,cursing swinging

his arms violently trying to get the unknown thing off,and ended up with the soiled sheet at his feet.

As the drunk stood there unsteady the hospital security guard( barely containing his laughter, he seen everything)

What the heck is going on here???(he asked)

The drunk,still staring down replied: I THINK I JUST BEAT THE S*IT OUT OF A GHOST!

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Fri Feb 10, 2017 9:17 pm

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6 I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

7 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

8 Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

9 Guy goes into the doctor's. Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.

How's that?.............................. Don't you start.

10 Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other Your round. The other one says So are you, you fat bast**d!

11Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

12 You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

13 A man walked into the doctors, he said, I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, Well don't go there anymore'

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Thu Feb 16, 2017 6:16 am

Retirement is different for everyone ……………

One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn
Were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her? “ Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?”
Yes, she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes - they're having a garage sale.

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Mon Feb 20, 2017 6:00 am

PADDY TELLS MICK,THAT HE'S THINKING OF BUYING A LABRADOR.

F**K OFF!SAY'S MICK,ARE YOU MAD???

HAVE YOU SEEN HOW MANY OF THEIR OWNERS GO BLIND!!!

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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Sat Feb 25, 2017 8:34 am

The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a
quaint way with words.


Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery waiting room.
"I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I'd hate
to feel like this if I was well!"


Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the
tropics.
He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their
last respects.
"He's got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused. "The holiday
did him the world of good."
"And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness.
"That's because he died in his sleep." explained Mrs Murphy, "and he
doesn't know he's dead yet,but when he wakes up, the shock will kill
him!"



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Re: REMEMBER ME

Post by Tweedlady » Mon Feb 27, 2017 6:32 am

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house
and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same
bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.
'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’
‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called
sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.'



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