Time for a joke

allan · Post by **allan** » Mon Nov 10, 2003 8:15 pm

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road.
They stop; the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."

allan · Post by **allan** » Mon Nov 10, 2003 8:18 pm

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive b*easts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'........... So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat s**g'

Rattler · Post by **Rattler** » Mon Nov 10, 2003 10:18 pm

"These are genuine clips from SouthShields Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats."

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his c**k wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't
get BBC2.

allan · Post by **allan** » Mon Nov 10, 2003 10:33 pm

Nice one Rattler

>>>>>>>

annie · Post by **annie** » Mon Nov 10, 2003 11:45 pm

I creased up at that one Rattler, been away from home too long miss it like mad NEW YORK IS NOT WHAT ITS CRACKED UP TO BE - the pace of life here is gonna kill a little Geordie lass like me - lyke.

Annie

Rattler · Post by **Rattler** » Tue Nov 11, 2003 10:31 pm

annie NEW YORK??????

Not the one in Durham County.

ok ok just a tiny leg pull.

Jake · Post by **Jake** » Thu Nov 13, 2003 7:21 pm

What about this for a joke................................ALAN,

allan · Post by **allan** » Thu Nov 13, 2003 7:46 pm

Well if thats the best you got! Try getting the name right, if you get stuck its in the left hand corner of My Posts, OK Blakey.>>>>>

sherri · Post by **sherri** » Thu Nov 13, 2003 9:31 pm

rattler, they are making me ROFL-excellent. Haven't had such a good laugh in ages.

Post by **danet** » Fri Nov 14, 2003 10:48 am

Here's some more for this joke post

9 Important Men In A Woman’s Life:

1. THE DOCTOR-because he says, "Take off your clothes."

2. THE DENTIST- because he says, "Open wide!"

3. THE HAIRDRESSER= - because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?

4. THE MILKMAN- because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"

5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR- because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"

6. THE STOCK BROKER- because he says , "It will rise right up, fluctuate a while, and then slowly fall back down again."

7. THE BANKER- because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

8. THE HUNTER (our favorite)- because he goes deep in the bush, shoots
twice, and always eats what he shoots!

9. THE TELEPHONE TECH - because he says, "Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?"

.....excuse me....gotta go answer my mobile phone......

Jake · Post by **Jake** » Fri Nov 14, 2003 8:04 pm

What about this for a joke..........................................little allan,

HA HA HA,now off you go and finish your paper round.

allan · Post by **allan** » Fri Nov 14, 2003 9:24 pm

Jakey you want to pack in now before you make yourself a bigger t*t than you already are. I bet your missus has only laughted twice in her life, Once when she went to the Dixilanders, the second was on your wedding night, Get a life Jakey I think she is still laughing at you behind your back, your such a great joke teller. Never mind trolly-boy, your store job is safe.>>>>>>>